Desperate Housewives
Season 3, Episode 12
Air date January 14, 2007
Written by Kevin Murphy
Kevin Etten
Directed by David Grossman
Episode Guide
"No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds"
"Come Play Wiz Me"

Plot Edit

"Dangers surround us. We are all shocked by watching what people can do in the night news. So housewives buy new expensive alarm systems, or have sprays in their purses, or have baseball bats by their doors or have a strong lock on the door, or have a gun in the house".

Mike Delfino is in prison and he turned a normal item a toothbrush into item. He goes to practice and two thugs beat him but Paul Young saves him. Mike tells him that he owns him one. It turns out that Paul hired those two thugs to beat him up as he gave the one the money.

Gabrielle returned home and found out that the secret admirer broke into her house and left a 6,000 $ dress. She is freaked out and asks Carlos to sleep at her place tonight. He accepts but sleeps on the sofa.

Tom returns home tired from his pizza place. Lynette tells him that the menu preview came and she loves it and she tells him that she is horny. She asks him when will she be able to see the pizza parlor. Tom tells her in two weeks time when there'll be a grand opening. She wants to see it before that day but Tom knows that she will have all those little tips that she won’t be able to keep to herself. She tells him a little mistake on the menu and Tom is mad about it and tells her that she is not invited to the opening. She goes to bed and when he asks her will they have sex she tells him that he banned her from his opening.

Julie is with Austen talking about sex but Susan comes and sees that they two are talking about something fishy because they stopped talking when she came. Susan went upstairs but she tried to hear something but she fell down the stairs. When Julie asks her what is going on she tells her that she lost a earring but Julie tells her that she has both. Susan asks Austen to leave because she wants to ask Julie something. Susan is furious that they are having sex. She tells her that sex is not funny. Julie tells her that they are not having sex but Susan then asks her why was she talking with Austen about condoms and she tells her that some kids in the school got pregnant.

Bree sees Alma talking with Edie and she is completely shocked. Bree finds out that Alma moved into the Applewhite house but Bree tells her that the house is haunted. Applewhites had dungeon in the basement and her son was a killer. Alma tells her that that is just silly…peoples do not get back from the dead.

Bree is freaking out and she tells Orson that she can’t stay. Orson promises her that he will speak with Alma.

Julie and Austen are at Edie’s house and they beg her that she goes with Julie to give her parental consent about birth control pills but Edie tells them to use condoms. They tell her that condoms are not effective and Edie is willing to go with Julie.

Gabrielle tries the new dress on and Carlos takes his pillow. Gabrielle is sleeping but she hears something and sees someone going to her front door. She wakes up Carlos and tells him that her secret admirer is out there and they catch him but unfortunately he is just the middle man working for his boss who is sending all those gifts.

He calls his boss and tells him about the problem they now have but Gabrielle snatches the phone from his hand and starts talking. He tells her that she is the most beautiful woman and asks her out for dinner but Carlos tells her not to go. Gabrielle wants to go anyway as he sounded to her very familiar.

Mike is in prison and one cop calls him and tells him that Paul is not his friend because he saw him giving the money to the thugs.

Susan is talking with Gabrielle about Julie, but Gabrielle tells her that she lied to her. They go to search Julie's room and Gabrielle takes the pictures on her mobile so that they can return everything in the place.

Gabrielle sees a beautiful skirt in the closet but Susan tells her to look for a diary. Gabrielle then sees a VHS player and she tells her that it is funny because today everything is digital. Inside the VHS they find the birth control pills. Susan is shocked.

Orson is speaking with Alma and he wants her to leave. She tells him that Bree won’t love him anymore when she'll find out about Monique and Mike. Orson asks Alma if she spoke to his mother Gloria and Alma says that it is nice to have someone by her side. She then tells Orson that she loves him no matter what and kisses him on the cheek. Bree sees everything through the window.

Orson returns home and Bree asks him what that was. He tells her that he tried everything but she won’t leave.

Lynette is waiting for Tom to get out of the Pizzeria and then she goes inside and she is absolutely thrilled by what she sees. It is wonderful and Andrew helps Tom with the place and tells her that they don’t have the liquor support. Lynette is shocked.

Susan calls the doctor who gave Julie the permission for birth control pills and he tells her that she was there with her. Susan asks him what she looks like and he tells her that she was blonde. Susan sees Edie outside and starts running to her. They talk about it and Edie tells her that their "kids" both love each other and she did what she did because if Julie gets knocked up they could be families and that is the last thing she wants to happen. They walk into Edie’s house and find Austen with…Danielle.

Gabrielle is waiting at the restaurant for her secret admirer: he's no one else than Zach Young.They have lunch and he tells her that he is completely rich and he can take care of her.

Lynette is speaking with Mrs. McClusky about Tom and the liquor support and that she intends to call him and help him but Mrs McClusky advices her to do it without letting Tom know about it.

Meanwhile Gabrielle tells Zach that she can take care of herself. They eat chocolate cake and he stains his shirt. She tells him that he is too Young and she leaves and kisses him in the forehead but he grabs her and kisses her. She leaves furiously.

Lynette is trying to have a full support for liquor and she goes around the place for everyone to sign the papers and only one mister remained. She talks with him but he won’t sing. She tries to beg him but he can’t take his eyes of her boobs. He tells her that it was long he had a chance to see a woman and she tells him that she will refresh his memories and show him her boobs if he sign the papers.

The next moment Lynette is leaving the apartment and he is totally happy.

Bree goes to Alma one more time. She wants her to leave but then a worker asks Alma where would she want to have her table and she goes to show him but gives Bree a lemonade. Bree starts to drinks but the parrot then says: “Don’t tell Bree”. In shock she lets the glass go and it breaks on the floor. Bree goes into the storage to take whatever she needs to clean it up but then she notices something in the ground. She removes it and finds a picture with Orson and Monique and finds a bag with Monique’s teeth. She runs away back home.

Gabrielle is reading a magazine and Carlos stops by to ask her how was the date. He mocks her by telling her that her admirer is handsome but not her type. Carlos then tells her that he knows about Zach because he followed her.

Tom is home and he is happy about the liquor support but he finds out that Lynette took care of that. He is mad because it looks like he is a looser. She tells him that he is her inspiration and he is not the looser. He tells her about a lot of problems in the pizzeria and she promises to help him and they go to have sex.

Susan is waiting for Julie and she shows her the birth control pills. Susan is not mad but she wants Julie to be completely honest. Susan tells her about Austen’s betrayal.

Bree wants Orson to return home as fast as he can …we see that she has Monique’s teeth at home.

Mary Alice says: “It is a dangerous world … and we all look for protection.”

Julie is crying and Susan is there to help her. Mike is in the prison cell with his blade.

Lynette kisses Tom and Bree loads the gun and looks through the window and sees Alma who waves at her…but Bree remains silent.

Quotes Edit

Mary Alice: (narrating) It's a dangerous world. So we all look for protection, and whether we find it in the arms of our mother, or at the end of a jagged blade, in the kiss of our sweetheart, or at the end of a barrel, we do what we have to to feel safe, because we know that somewhere in the world there are those that will do us harm.

Gabrielle: (on the phone with her secret admirer) That's very sweet of you but I am not the most beautiful woman in the world...Yes, I may be in the top 10.

Susan: Don't you walk away from me!

Edie: Do we have to do this now?

Susan: Yes, we do. You may have gotten your first diaphragm with milk money, but that doesn't give you the right to corrupt my daughter!

Edie: Look, it's not like I went after Julie and said, "Hey, do you wanna go out for a burger and some birth control?" She came to me.

Susan: You do not get to decide this for her! What were you thinking?! (She hits Edie with the pills)

Edie: Aah! I was thinking, if Julie got knocked up, that--that you and I could become family, and I'm sorry, I cannot take that chance.

Susan: Oh, you know what? It wasn't 'till your rotten nephew came to town that Julie was a perfect kid, and now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex! She's just a boob job away from being you!

Edie: Look, Mayer, Julie has discovered sex. The genie is out of the bottle. And you better be good with it, or you could lose her forever. Cause like it or not, she loves him. And you know what else? He loves her.

(They enter Edie's house and see Austin topless making out with a girl on the couch.)

Edie: Ahem!

(Austin and the girl look up in shock. The girl is Danielle.)

Gabrielle: Honey, let's get real, you are way too young for me.

Zach: I'm two months older than John Rowland.

Alma: People don't come back from the dead.

Alma: Wait, now I'm confused! When Orson came over he just said "Welcome to the neighbourhood. Need any help unpacking?"

Bree: I try to hold my head up and smile and just bake more pies for the church social. But now your ex is camped out on our doorstep like I'm hosting some kind of morman slumber party. And I do not know how I'm going to bake my way out of this one!

Orson: Darling, I'm gonna get Alma out of that house. I don't care if I'll have to live up to my reputation and strangle her!

Bree: (with great relief) Oh, you are a good husband...

Tom: So wait, we're not having sex?

Lynette: Hey, you banned me from your opening!

Gabrielle: (going through Julie's room with Susan) First rule of ransacking- remember where everything goes. (snaps pictures with camera phone)

Susan: You're going to make a really good mother someday.

Lynette: (to Andrew) Aren't you supposed to be working?

Andrew: Aren't you supposed to not be here?

Lynette: Touché.

(Carlos walks into Gabrielle’s bedroom, while Gabrielle is in the bathroom.)

Carlos: Gaby, I need another pillow.

Gabrielle: All right. Don't take the big one. That's my favorite.

Carlos: It's only for one night. 'Cause tomorrow I’m gonna be back home sleeping in my own bed.

Gabrielle: What?! You can't abandon me! There's a madman stalking me. My life is on the line. Do you know how scared I am?

(Gabrielle gets out of the bathroom wearing the dress her secret admirer gave her.)

Carlos: You're keeping that?

Gabrielle: Hey, I’m scared, but not of the dress.

Lynette: (Pinches her blouse after seeing Harry starring at her chest) Harry, Harry, what'd I say?

Harry: I know, I don't mean to be rude. It's just that my showgirl days were a while ago and I can't remember when I last laid eyes on a beautiful woman's (pause) bosom.

Lynette: Really? Well, what if I were to very briefly refresh your memory? (Firmly places waiver on t€able for him to sign.)

Cut to next scene where Lynette is buttoning her blouse.

Harry: Completely worth it! (Hands her signed waiver.)

Lynette: Glad you thought so.

Edie: The responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies. There, I said it out loud just in case anybody asks.