Desperate Housewives
Season 3, Episode 16
Air date February 11, 2007
Written by John Pardee
Joey Murphy
Directed by David Warren
Episode Guide
"The Little Things You Do Together"
"Dress Big"

Plot Edit

For the first time in the history of Desperate Housewives this episode is not narrated by Mary Alice Young but instead another familiar voice.

“My name is Rex Van de Kamp. I always hated cemeteries when I was alive. Now that I am dead, I like them even less.”

We see Bree’s house “Here is where I used to live. A whole lot nicer don’t you think. The place hasn’t changed much since I left as tasteful and tidy as ever. Everything perfect…at least on the surface.”

“My family was the same way. To really fit in you had to have a smile that gave away nothing. “

Bree is going on her honeymoon and Andrew and the rest of the family is helping her with her luggage. “Like my son Andrew. To look at him, you’d never know he spent six months on the street supporting himself with panhandling and light prostitution. Or my daughter Danielle. Does she look like a kind of girl who’d seduce her middle aged history teacher? I mean they are my kids, and I love them. But I am pretty darn relieved to be dead. Here’s the clown Bree replaced me with (as Orson help with luggage). I don’t mind saying he’s creeped me out right from the get-go. To me, he always has the shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried…and he should know. He buried them. But Bree likes him and kids love him and all of my friends, now his friends. It pleases me to know that at least one of my old neighbors sees right through the guy.”

Orson looks as Bree go away in the taxi and right when he turns to go home Mike is there. Bree is actually off to see her folks and Orson will join her later for their honeymoon. Mike tells him that it is a good time for him to leave the town. He kept thinking about the night Monique died and how Orson made sure that he left with his wrench, the one with Monique’s blood on it. Orson tells him that the case is closed and Mike tells him that maybe it shouldn’t be. He tells Orson what he thinks that police would do if they knew that Orson was there that night? Orson tells him what does he think that police would do if they knew that he threw him of the roof?

They can continue to be like this or they can forget everything and be good neighbors. They shake and walk away.

“Take a drive down any street at suburbia, and what you are gonna see? Desperate women. One unhappy housewife after another, each completely miserable in her own unique way. But I want to talk about men. What happens to guy when that special lady in his life starts to loose it. “

“Like my friend Carlos. He used to have it all. Hot wife, tons of dough, then bam. She gets divorce and he gets stuck with the bill.”

Carlos looks on the internet one hot chick for a date. Mike goes to the hospital because they called and they want him to take his belongings. Carlos is trying to get him out of the house because of the girl. Mike tells him that he will stay in his room they will never hear him but Carlos tells him that he will hear them. Mike tells him that he will go somewhere.

“This is my friend Tom. Have you heard what he’s been up to lately? The silly bastard opened up his own pizzeria place. He thought that if he was his own boss he could sleep in as long as he wanted but the problem with that logic is that married guys are never their own boss.”

Lynette wakes Tom. Today is their ninth anniversary but Lynette canceled their dinner reservations because all she wants is the relaxing hot tub. Tom tells her that they always have sex for their anniversary and Lynette tells him that he will get his sex.

“This is Ian. Don’t really know the guy but Susan Mayer seems to like him. The other night he surprised her with a proposal. She said yes, but he’s still a little skittish about the competition. But Ian knows that if love is war sometimes you got to bring out the big artillery.”

Ian comes to Susan’s house and shows her the ring. She puts it on but it is too big for her finger. Ian wants to get married next month and Susan tells him why the rush but he just wants to do finish with it as soon as possible. He tells her to go to the jeweler shop and get it resized.

Mike is at the hospital to take his stuff but he doesn’t remember the ring. On the ring it says: “Susan be mine forever Mike.” Mike realizes that he is in love with Susan (was and is).

Edie comes to Carlos and shows him her son Travers. His father dumped him to her for four weeks and went to Africa. Edie asks Carlos if he can baby sit Travers tonight because she has a major party. Carlos tells her that he can’t because he has a chick so hot that he will have to turn off the smoke alarm.

Victor Lang a man who runs for a new mayor of Fairview sees Gabrielle Solis who enters her Aston Martin. He tells his driver to have a little fun and they accidentally crash a little bit into her car. She freaks out and yells at Victor but he tells her that he is just a passenger. He tells her that his driver was distracted by the beauty, and he means on the car. She tells him that he will have to pay for the damage and he signs the check of five thousand dollars. He presents himself to her and he has to try to look good because of the opponent. She goes away and his driver asks him that he won’t see her again but Victor tells him that he didn’t sign the check.

Julie is at the car wash and Austen gets into car. He is sad because she didn’t return any one of his phone calls. He gives her a letter and he just wants her to read it and if she doesn’t forgive him he won’t bother her anymore. She tells him that she will read if he gets out of the car right now. It is waxing time but he gets out anyway.

Andrew wants to go to the bathroom but Danielle is still there. He tells her that he needs to be at work in ten minutes and he needs to brush his teeth. She opens the door and she is crying because she is pregnant.

Susan comes to jeweler shop but Mike is also there about his engagement ring. Susan wants to get her ring resized but she doesn’t know her size. The jeweler tells her to put on Mikes ring and it is perfect fitting. She will now measure it according to that ring.

Tom stops by and asks Carlos about his cousin who is in the limo business. Carlos tells him that he is in jail. Tom is planning a big thing for Lynette. At eight a limo driver will come with dozens of roses and a card. The card is gonna tell her to go with the guy, not ask any questions. He’ll drive her out to the country. He’ll drop her off and drive away. Just when she starts to freak out Tom will appear in a horse-drawn carriage which will take them up to the Whitman’s bluff, where they will eat dinner and listen to the professional violinist. And when they got home Lynette will find a way to thank him (meaning on the sex)

Victor is having an interview but Gabrielle shows up and he cuts interview short because he has a very important business to attend to. She tells him to sign the check and he tells her that he will take her to dinner. She asks what is in there for her. He tells her that his company is worth two hundred millions. She tells him that she will go because a girl’s gotta eat.

Mike returns the money to Ian because of the lawyer he paid for him. Mike tells him that he doesn’t like to own anybody a thing and he got some money for the engagement ring. Ian tells him that he should wait for the right girl but Mike says that the ring was too special and Ian says that he know because of the inscription. Mike asks him how did he know about that and Ian tells him that that is what everybody does.

Danielle and Austen talk about the baby. Austen freaks out and tells Danielle about the clinic but she wants him to marry her. He tells her that he can’t stand her and Danielle needs to throw up again and goes to the bathroom. At that moment Julie walks in and tells Austen that she forgives him. She hears someone puking at the bathroom and he tells her that Edie had too much of alcohol.

Victor and Gabrielle are finishing their dinner and he makes a toast to the happy accident that brought them together. Gabrielle tells him that she knows that he hit her on purpose and that he didn’t sign the check because he wanted to see her again. Victor tells her that he underestimated her. Gabrielle leaves and Victor tells to the waiter that he will marry her.

Carlos has a hot date and they start making out but he sees Travers all alone playing on the street in the middle of the night. She tells him to forget about him and they go upstairs. They start to make out but he can’t concentrate because of the kid. He goes outside for him and she is totally freaked out because of it.

Carlos goes out and asks Travers where is Edie and he tells him that she had to go visit a sick friend.

Carlos takes him to his place but she is no longer in the mood and leaves. Carlos baby sit Travers now and Travers tells him that he is sorry for ruining his date.

Edie is back from the party and she sees a note on her door that says: “I have your son. Carlos”

She comes to pick him up but Carlos tells her that she is an awful mother. She wants her child and he tells her to come tomorrow when she is sober.

She comes tomorrow and tells him that when Charles and she split up she wanted to give Travers the best things possible in the world so she gave the full custody to Charles. That doesn’t make her a good mother but it makes her a realistic one. Carlos tells her that whenever she needs a babysitter she can count on him.

Tom is speaking with the dinner people and he wants a violinist not a violist. Lynette hears that and he tells her that he is planning something special about their anniversary. Lynette is mad because she wants a hot bath and early bad and Tom wants to cancel the whole idea and he will have a poker game with guys.

Orson is about to join Bree and Andrew tells him about Danielle.

Mrs.McClusky is babysitting the kids but Lynette couldn’t relax because she kept thinking about the fight she had with Tom. Someone rings the door bell.

Orson, Andrew, Danielle and Austin all got together to discuss the problem. They will not marry each other, Danielle will join Orson and Bree on their honeymoon and she will tell her friends that she decided to study abroad and once the baby is born, the baby will be adopted by a suitable family and she will come home and return to everything the way it was. Orson then tells Austin to leave and not to tell anybody why, not even her aunt.

Austin doesn’t want to leave because of Julie but Andrew tells him that he will hurt her even more. He tells him to leave and forget about everything.

All men from Wisteria Lane gather at the pizzeria to play the poker game. Tom, Orson, Carlos, Mike and Ian.

Austin comes and tells Julie that he is going to leave a town for a while and he doesn’t know when he is gonna be back. He tells her that he has some family problems and that she is the only girl who gave him a second chance and that means so much to him. Julie kisses him and he tells her one last good bye.

So far Ian is winning the game. Orson congratulates Ian about the proposal and Mike asks him about it. Was it spontaneous or he had it all planned. Ian tells him that it was all planned. Mike asks him about the ring that was too big for her. Mike tells Ian that he knows that his and Ian’s wife’s stuff got mixed up so that is how Ian found out about the ring, the same night he proposed to Susan. He is afraid of the competition.

They start another round but Tom’s mobile rings. It is the limo driver and he tells him that he will late a little bit, so he will pick them up later. Tom freaks out because he canceled them. Limo driver tells him that he dropped Lynette off about two hours.

Lynette is in the middle of nowhere, freezing herself.

Tom goes for her and tells the guys to lock up when they are done. Ian and Mike make the deal. They re raise it until there are no coins left for them to raise and Ian includes the check that Mike gave him. They make a deal. If Mike wins he gets all the money and tells Susan whatever he wants. If Ian wins he keeps the money and Mike keeps his mouth shut.

Ian comes home to Susan and tells her that he won the game.

Tom came for Lynette and tells her that he is so sorry. They stop by the bar to drink something warm and he tells her that he learned his lesson, from now on he does what she wants. She tells him that he was right. They should keep the romance going because it was a lovely idea that went hideously ugly. They make a toast to nine happy years and they loved every minute of it.

Rex closes the episode: “Take a drive down any street in suburbia and what are you gonna see? A bunch of guys wearing the same expression. It’s a look that says: “Oh, crap. My dreams are never gonna come true””.

Orson helps Danielle to go away. “I’ll never have a life free from scandals.”

Carlos holds Travers’s basketball. “I’ll never have a son of my own.”

Austin leaves. “I’ll never hold her in my arms again.”

Mike goes home and sees Susan and Ian happy. “I’ll never get to tell her how I feel.”

“Yeah the suburbs are filled with a lot of man who had given up hope.”

Tom and Lynette come home but she kisses him in front of the door. “Every once in a while, you do come across some lucky S.O.B. whose dreams have all come true. You know how you spot them? They are the ones who can’t stop smiling. Don’t you just hate those guys?”