|Season 3, Episode 17|
|Air date||April 8, 2007|
|Written by|| Kevin Etten|
Susan Nirah Jaffee
|Directed by||Matthew Diamond|
"My Husband, the Pig"
Susan is holding a rose and along with Ian is expecting his parents to come for a visit. She is so nervous and gives him a hug but stabs him with a thorn in his neck.
“If there was one thing Ian Hainsworth was sure of it was that his love for Susan Mayer was indestructible. He knew this because it had been tested again… (Ian is returning home and she rushes towards him giving him a hug and they both fall)…and again (Susan turns around in the bed and slaps Ian)…and again (Susan opens a bottle of Champaign and hits him with a cork).
"Still Ian had found a way to forgive Susan her occasional lack of grace. The question now on his mind was would his parents be able to do the same."
His parents arrive and his mothers name is Dahlia and his father’s name is Graham. They are stunned by her beauty and Susan gives Dahlia a rose but Ian tells her to watch for the thorns and they go to the gardens to eat.
Susan is preparing a barbecue but she is first setting coals on fire so they can prepare the meat. Dahlia would like a thimble of gin and Ian goes with Graham to fetch it in the kitchen.
Ian is talking with his father Graham and he is relieved how everything is going fine. Graham tells Ian the first time he met Dahlia’s parents. There was the cup of cakes and as he offered the cakes to her mother it slipped and one cake fell into her mother’s tea and tea was all over her. It was a debacle. (As he was speaking this to Ian his mother Dahlia was set on fire because Susan set coals on fire. She splashed her with a cup of water and then took the rag and covered her mother completely and turned of the fire)
Susan and Dahlia walk into the room and Susan tells them that everything is all right because Dahlia’s hand was just caught on fire.
“Yes. Ian Hainsworth knew his love for Susan was indestructible. Unfortunately for his mother chiffon was not.”
“In every housewives closet there is a treasured article of clothing that she refuses to part with.”
(Susan finds an old cheerleader uniform) ”It might be an old cheerleader uniform that symbolizes her youth.”
(Lynette finds and old bikini) ”Or the last bikini she wore, before she had children.”
(Edie finds a leather pants) ”Or a pair of expensive pants she prays will come back in style.”
“But for Gabrielle Solis every piece of clothing was a treasure, carefully selected, beautifully maintained and utterly irreplaceable.” (The water from attic bursts flooding the room destroying every piece of her clothes)
Edie and Gabrielle returned from shopping. They were shopping underwear and Edie hadn’t had sex for three weeks and she is horny. She is thinking of seducing the gardener and mentions John but he is married. Edie asks Gabrielle about Victor Lang but she won’t be his girlfriend because he thinks of her as a trophy and he is too arrogant. They enter the house and see that the water is dripping from the floor above. Gabrielle rushes to her bedroom and sees the catastrophe. Edie is touching her make up and hears Gabrielle screaming NOOO.
Lynette comes to pizzeria and Tom asks her where her uniform is. She tells him that she forgot it at home again and knew that she would forget it again so he pulled and extra one from the back and it is her size. She tells him that it would be better if the staff wore uniforms and she and Tom not. Tom tells her that he likes the uniform and he tells her that when she doesn’t wear it, it looks like they are all working for her. Lynette tells him that she hates orange since forever (Uniforms are orange color). She tells him that orange says that something bad is gonna happen and it completely washes her off. He tells her that she is wearing the uniform. She asks him if he is telling her this as her husband or as her boss. He tells her that he is telling her this as her boss because her husband is too damn scared of her. He walks away and Lynette says to herself that he should be.
“As Edie walked home all she could think of was her nonexistent love life and how much she wanted back in the game. It was just then she saw someone she might like to play with.”
Carlos was playing basketball with Travers and he took his shirt off and Edie looked at him. Travers needs to go home for lunch and she tells Carlos that she will take him out for a steak and he tells her that she doesn’t need to pay him back. So she will just have to arrange for another play date.
Dahlia is back and Susan, Ian and Graham are waiting her at the table for a dinner. Graham asks her about Julie and if she will be joining them for a dinner. Susan tells them that Julie is at her father’s this weekend. They are shocked because they thought that she was a widow. Dahlia asks her now why did she get a divorce, did he beat her. Ian tells them that he cheated on her. Dahlia says that it was just and adultery and to her way of thinking man are by nature weak. She tells her that if she wants her marriage to last when her husband strays she extracts some suitable penance and get on with it, punish the sin but love the sinner. Susan tells her that she is more of a divorce the ass and seize the assets and tells Ian to better watch out because betrayal will make her vengeful. Ian tells her that that is good to know and his mother backs him up on that.
Gabrielle is having dinner with Victor in front of his huge house. She tells him about the water heater in the attic and how everything now is ruined. He tells her that in this situation he sees the girl who can suddenly use a rich boyfriend. She tells him that he will never be her boyfriend and that this is their last date. He tells her that she said that it was their last date on her last date but now she means it. She wants her to go with him to the rotary club because he is getting an award tomorrow. She tells him that she is cold and they go to the house to get a sweater.
They are in the house and Victor goes to the room full of his clothes to get her something worm while she opens a door and finds all of his wife’s stuff. She wears Gabrielle’s size and she is in shock how good taste she has. He tells her that she is keeping the clothes here until her new house is finished. She finds an Undari dress and she tells him that she will borrow it for their next date. He tells her that all of the clothes belong to his ex and she will not be pleased if she finds out that he loaned her clothes to his girlfriend. Gabrielle tells him that she is not his girlfriend and that she will never find out. She is begging him but he is determined not to give anything to her.
Mike is at the hypnotherapy and he is trying to remember something from his past. He tells his therapist that he was watching the movie and in the movie the guy wakes up and a girl, Julie Roberts or Sandra Bullock or whoever, is standing there holding a tray of pancakes. He can’t remember what happens next and he doesn’t even care. The therapist tells him that every time he remembers that movie he feels sad or upset and it must be important. He probably saw the movie with Susan and therapist tells him to go to talk with her but he doesn’t want to annoy her. Therapist tells him that his therapies are not only for recovering his memories but for him getting an emotional closure and she tells him to go to talk with Susan.
Travers asks Carlos if he loves model airplanes and if he can stop by and help him put it together. Carlos tells him that it won’t be a problem and Travers tells him to come tomorrow at seven because he can’t play until he finishes his homework. Edie brings him the model airplane and tells him to stay up tonight as long as he want because tomorrow he is gonna have an early night.
Susan asks Ian if his father is all right because he has been upstairs for 20 minutes. Ian tells her that he always lay down because it helps him with digestion. She is still nervous and he tells her that everything is going very well and that Dahlia won’t even remember the fire because she had been charming ever since. They prepared the tea and they are going to the living room (Ian and Susan) and Susan opens with her butt the door leading to the living room and with door she pushed Dahlia who fell and now is covered in vine. Susan goes upstairs to get her a towel. She goes into bathroom and sees Graham trying on Susan’s robe. He tells her that he saw it hanging and wanted to try because Dahlia has a birthday coming up and he just tried it on to get a sense of the drip. She notices that he is wearing her bra also and he begs her not to tell this to his family. She tells him not to worry and whatever he has got down he can consider that his.
Dahlia and Ian are talking and she is trying to protect him from Susan who is certainly lacking some money and Ian tells her that she never asked him for a cent. Susan came back with a blankets but Ian found a sweater for her already. Dahlia asks Susan if she will mind to sign a document that says should she and Ian part ways she’ll accept a cash settlement and won’t go after the money Ian inherits from them. Susan tells them that they are considering a prenup. Dahlia wants her to understand because their country estate has been in their family for generations. They want it preserved for children Ian might have some day and not lost in some pricey divorce. Susan tells her that they won’t get a divorce and Dahlia tells her that she is sure that she said the same to her first husband before she took all that she could. Ian tells her that Susan won’t sign anything and Dahlia tells him that he will not inherits the money and they will all give to his brother Nigel who is an alcoholic homosexual. Susan is completely upset because suddenly she is divorce and Ian disinherited and they gathered here to celebrate their engagement. Dahlia wants her to understand that everyone is convinced that their marriage will last forever. Graham enters the room and asks if he missed anything. Dahlia tells Susan that one day she found a bill for some expensive lingerie all of them not her size. Ian tells Dahlia that he is not like Graham and Susan tells her that she is sure of it. Dahlia says that she is sorry and leaves with Graham.
Lynette is at the restaurant and the teens who are working there were taking a short break. Lynette joins them and tells them that if they are not good with something they can tell that. Lynette starts first and tells them how they feel about the ugly orange uniforms. Andrew tells her that they are OK and asks her why they have to pool their tips why can’t their just keep what they earned. Lynette tells him to focus on the ugly uniforms. One of the workers tells her that he is bugged not having any health benefits. Lynette tells them all again to focus on the uniform and she wants to talk them into saying that they are ugly and then Tom walks in and hears everything. Lynette and Tom have a conversation. He can’t believe she tried to do that and Lynette tells him that he gave her no choice. Tom tells her that it is just a uniform and Lynette tells him that she needs to win one. It is about their marriage. Their marriage happens here, everything happens here and it is not that he is her boss but she wants to win one. Tom tells her that she is boss at home and he is boss here and she tells him that everything happens here. Tom tells her that he needs to deal with a dinner rush and she will wear the damn uniform. Lynette tells him that she won’t and leaves the place and goes home.
Gabrielle stops by Victor’s house and one of the housekeepers opens up and she tells her that she was here the other night having dinner with Victor and that she was passing by through the neighborhood after having like three ice teas and she really needs to go to the bathroom. She goes to the room with his wife’s stuff and takes her coat off. She is only in her underwear and tries one dress but she can’t choose and she takes a lot of stuff and then gets her coat and covers everything. She tells the housekeeper as she was leaving that she feels ten pounds lighter.
Susan bought some groceries and Mike wants to ask her about the movie. He tells her everything and she tells him that it wasn’t the movie that was them. She tells him that that was the first night they spent together. She wanted to surprise him with raw pancakes. She tells him that she was trying to spell Mike and that M was goopy but the IKE was delicious and he liked it. Actually he didn’t but he was nice to her. He told her then that he wanted to spend…and Mike finishes to word (the rest of his morning with her). She tells him that he remembers. She takes her stuff and gets inside the house. Ian was watching them all the time.
Gabrielle is with Victor at the party for his award wearing one of his wife’s stuff. He didn’t notice that and he tells her a million times how nice she looks in it. She goes to the bathroom to touch her make up. As she is leaving Victor’s driver, and probably bodyguard, tells him that he noticed Samantha his ex wife.
Gabrielle is in the bathroom and one lady stares at her and tells her that she has a beautiful dress. She tells her that that is Undari and that she has an unfair advantage because she bought it and she wants it back. Gabrielle tells her that she doesn’t have a spare one and Samantha tells her that that is not her problem. Gabrielle refuses to give her anything and then she opens a bag and threatens her with pepper spray. Gabrielle wants her to help her with the clasp.
Samantha goes to Victor with Gabrielle’s dress and punches him. He goes to ladies restroom and Gabrielle tells him that she ran into his ex wife. She opens the door and he is keeping ice on his face and gives her his coat.
Carlos and Travers finished with the airplane and Edie tells him that it is time for bed but he wants to show Carlos his new turtle. She gives him a look and then he remembers and tells Carlos that he is tired and Carlos takes him up to bed. Edie takes a plane and breaks one part on purpose. Carlos returns and wants to fix it. She starts the fire and then turn the lights off and the music starts. Carlos tells her that she can’t see what he is doing. He notices that she is hitting on him and she wants to do it and to see where it goes. He tells her that it wouldn’t go anywhere because he is looking for a girl who wants to settle down and to be in a serious relationship and Edie is not that type. She asks him what type she is and he tells her that she goes into the night and meets new people and then she goes again the other night and meets another new people. She tells him that she is not promiscuous. He tells her that this house sees a lot of traffic and she tells him that she is popular. She tells him that she is capable of a commitment and Carlos tells her that she can’t even commit her own child because she is always dumping him around the neighborhood unless she is using him for sex baits. She tells him to leave the house.
Gabrielle and Susan are at Lynette’s place and Lynette calls Tom on his cellular but he is not answering and she is leaving mail and tells him that he should have been home thirty minutes ago and that he can come home and they can be mad together. Gabrielle wants to know what kind of orange is the shirt…is it salmon or coral and when Lynette shows it to her she know that it is cheese doodle. They tell her to tell Tom to change the shirt. Lynette tells them that it is not about the shirt anymore, it is about them working together and every damn day it is a battle and it is hurting their marriage and she wants to quit. Susan wants to know how Tom would feel about that and Lynette goes to the pizzeria to see him and tell him that. She leaves Susan and Gabrielle at home and that means that they have to baby sit the kids.
Lynette arrived at the pizzeria and tells Tom that she knows he is still here. She notices a broken glass and then sees him on the floor. She calls 911 and tells them to come. She knows that Tom is breathing and tells him that he can’t die because if he leaves her with a mortgage and five kids and a restaurant she swears she will track him down to the deepest pit of hell and make him pay.
The doctor explains to Lynette that Tom has a ruptured disk and that he will need surgery and he will need a lot of time to recover and now that they run a restaurant he will not be able to work for at least four to five months.
Ian and Susan are in bed and Ian is reading a prenup her parents want her to sign. She wants to have sex and he tells her that he knows that she is not in this for money and she tells him that she is absolutely not and then he asks her why just not to sign it. Ian tells her that there is no difference and Susan tells him that the difference is huge because on one way he trusts her and on the other he doesn’t. He tells her that this is about his parents and she tells him that it is about something else. She tells him that she and Mike were just talking. They go to sleep and she tells him that she will sign it.
Mike stops by the therapist and he tells her that Susan couldn’t remember what the movie was about. He also tells her that he is done here and she tells him that he won’t be able to recover all the lost pieces and he tells her that he is fine with that.
Gabrielle returns the dresses to Victor. He tells her that it is not funny because Samantha called a lawyer and Gabrielle calls her a bitch. Victor tells her not to call her like that. He is on her side because he didn’t marry the angry woman he just divorced one. Gabrielle asked him what happened and he tells her that he treated her like mistress and that she was always there when he needed her but he was never there for her and if she wasn’t happy she could always go out and by a dress. Gabrielle knows how happy she was and tells him that she knew Victor for two weeks and only now she sees the traces of a guy she might actually like…the guy who is not perfect but the guy who admits he screwed. He invites her to dinner tomorrow night and goes away as arrogant as ever.
Susan, Ian and his parents are all at Susan’s house and she is preparing to sign the prenup. Dahlia wants to know if there is anything she would like to say and Susan would like of her to say that she trusts her but she obviously don’t’ so she will sign. She then looks at Graham and tells that she will tell Ian everything; there will be no topics to skirt and absolutely no secrets. Graham takes the papers and destroys them and he is sure that she will be a good wife to Ian.
Edie is back home and she sees flowers and a note from Carlos that says that he is sorry. She stops by at his place and tells him that he can see Travers because he misses him. Edie tells Carlos that he nailed her but he tells her that he didn’t have any right to judge her. He tells her that the party the cloths and sex…that is the Edie we all love. Edie tells him that she is getting pretty tired of her and she knows that her days are numbered and in fact she wants to loose her. She takes the blouse she wears because she knows that it shows of her cleavage, she takes of the skirt that is so short because she knows that guys love long legs, she takes of the high heels because they make her legs longer, she takes of the bra because they keep her breasts higher then they are on their own these day and finally she takes off her panties because they hide the scar from her c-section. She is naked and she is asking for a chance. Carlos hugs her.
Lynette is at the hospital with Tom and Andrew calls and she tells him that Tom will be OK and that they will open as always and work as always. It is her job now.
“In every housewives closet there’s an article of clothing that tells you more about its owner than she would want you to know. It might be a shirt that she despises but wears without complaint (Lynette puts on the uniform for Pizzeria); perhaps it is some lingerie she knows isn’t hers but refuses to discuss (Dahlia finds a pants in the closet and leaves them); or a dress she once loved that she can no longer bear to look at (Samantha is looking at the dress Gabrielle wore).
Yes you can learn a lot about women from what they choose to wear (Victor bought Gabrielle a dress and she gives him a hug); you can learn even more by what they choose to take off and who they take it off for”
Edie sleeps with Carlos.
Mary Alice: In every housewife's closet there's an article of clothing that tells you more about its owner than she would want you to know. It might be a shirt that she despises, but wears without complaint. Perhaps, it's some lingerie, she knows isn't hers, but refuses to discuss. Or a dress she once loved, that she can no longer bare to look at. Yes, you can learn a lot about women from what they choose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who they take it off for.
Dr. Berman: Hi Mike. So, tell me, I've been dying to know. Did you talk to Susan? Could she remember what the movie was?
Mike: Actually, no.
Dr. Berman: Oh, well, hang in there. We'll figure it out. It's just a matter of time before everything starts coming back. Here, have a seat.
Mike: Uh, listen, you've been really helpful the last few months but I, I think I'm done here.
Dr. Berman: Mike, I know this can be a frustrating process but if you give up now there are so many memories that could be lost to you.
Mike: (resigned) Yeah, I'm okay with that.
Mike: Hey, you got a minute? I need your help with something.
Susan: (holding her groceries) Ahm, I should probably get these inside.
Mike: Please, I- I need to ask you about a movie. ...And so, the last part I remember, the girl is putting these raw pancakes in front of him and then something else funny happened. (Susan is smiling) . I don't remember, it was just a stupid chick flick.
Susan: Mike, it wasn't a movie, that was us.
Susan: Yeah, ahm, that was the first night we spent together. I wanted to surprise you.
Mike: With raw pancakes?
Mike: They weren't all raw. I was trying to spell MIKE and the M was goopy but the IKE was delicious, you loved it.
Mike: I did, huh?
Susan: Actually no, it was gross. You were really sweet, you just gave me a lot of kisses and said not to worry, I'd get a lot of chances to make you pancakes cause-
Mike: Cause I was planning on spending the rest of my mornings with you.
Susan: You remember.
Lynette: (to Tom on the phone) I know, you're still mad, I am too, so why don't you come home, we can be mad together.
Edie: (to Carlos, undressing) Don't say anything. Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact... let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance.
Gabrielle: You can't force me to take off this dress!
Samantha: This is pepper spray. In three seconds your eyeballs will be on fire.
Gabrielle: Could you help me with the clasp?
Dahlia: Punish the sin, love the sinner.
Susan: Yeah, well, with Karl I was more, divorce the ass and seize the assets.
Gabrielle: What kind of orange is this shirt? Like a salmon, or a coral... (Lynette shows her the shirt) Oh...cheese doodle.
(Gabrielle finds a room closet filled with couture clothes.)
Victor: Yea, I don't really know much about fashion.
Gabrielle: Shhh.. They can hear you.
(Lynette finds an unconscious Tom lying on the floor of the Pizzeria.)
Lynette: (crying) Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me.. with a mortgage, and a restaurant, and five kids I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay. Do you hear me?
Gabrielle: (In Victor's wive's closet, to Victor) A dress this gorgeous is meant to be seen. Every day it hangs in the closet an angel loses its wings.